Laying here on the floor of the airport, I just realized that one of the most painful experiences I can think of is being both known and disliked. It's euphoric when someone knows me and likes me. It's okay when someone doesn't know me and dislikes me. But the idea of being known and disliked is insufferable.

I defend against this possibility by withholding myself. I become slippery, evasive, vague in conversation. I don't share my struggles or fears or insecurities. I can't be known and disliked if I'm not known.

One of the most powerful book titles I know comes to mind: The Courage to Be Disliked. It suddenly feels imperative to read the book. Just bought it.

I'm thirty percent through the book on the plane and it is a godsend. The most powerful message so far is the idea that it's not possible to be in connection with others without hurting and being hurt. As I see it, the pain of hurting others stings less with the knowledge that I can still love anyone I'm not meant to be in close connection with from a distance. It softens the blow.

I want to be everything to everyone, or at least something to everyone. But it's just not possible. One person's funny is another's annoying. One person's kind is another's suspicious. One person's insightful is another's banal. Every person is an optical illusion and I am a person.

I'm fifty percent through the book at a local watering hole on American Freedom Day and I'm close to bursting with bits of insights that I hope will someday transform into intuitive wisdom. I cannot live my life for anyone except myself. It is not my task to be concerned with someone else's disapproval of how I live my life. I do not want to cede responsiblity for my life to anyone else. I cannot please everyone. In fact there is no certainty of pleasing anyone aside from myself. My tasks are my own and your tasks are your own. To have an amiable relationship, we can offer assistance to each other when asked, but we must each handle our own tasks. Only then will we be free to associate without outsourcing our sense of self to each other.

Now, consider the hedgehog. In seeking closeness and intimacy, hedgehogs are prone to hurt each other with their spines. I sometimes have the nagging thought, "Who I am hurts people." At times I'm tempted to hide myself to ensure that I don't hurt anyone. It hurts to hurt people, even unintentionally. It hurts to show up as my best self and be rejected.

From the song Hedgehog by Renouncer:

When you've spent all your days alone
And been enclosed in a big glass dome
You can't get close to someone else
And never realize you're covered in sharp quills

I get my internal sense of self externally. Which book titles, song lyrics, television characters, movie scenes resonate? What reflections do I receive from other people? My thoughts are ultimately the foundation of my sense of self, since I become what I think about, but the media and the people nudge and shape my thoughts, which in turn affect what media and people I let into my awareness. This is why I'm grateful to be aware of The Courage to Be Disliked.

Laying here on my couch at four in the morning and digesting the book's closing messages, I understand that my past doesn't define me or restrict what I am free to do here and now. I will prod some people with my quills. I will hoot to impart words of wisdom to some people. I will purr to calm some people. In the course of my life I have been and I will be the hedgehog and the owl and the cat and countless other animals. I accept this and all other aspects of myself. With unconditional self-acceptance, I will place my confidence in others and view them as comrades without the fear of being taken advantage of, as the rewards of that confidence far outweigh the costs. With unconditional confidence in my comrades, I will make contributions to them, know that I am of use to them, and further strengthen my self-acceptance.

And I will be happy, because happiness is the feeling of contribution.