I take two people with me wherever I go. Their influences skew my thoughts, words, and actions. The critic questions my plans and chastises my idleness, while the child encourages me to explore interests with a playful attitude and without a fixed destination.

In my adult life I’ve noticed a concerning trend. The critic’s voice has approached a scream, while the child’s voice has withered to a whisper. The critic tells me again and again, “Security and certainty are essential. Your little experiments are wastes of time.”

The critic tacitly approved of my first job out of college. It was all spreadsheets and government forms. No creativity, only suffering. Hobbies and interests don’t pay the bills, after all. My current job allows for some creativity but is similarly rote. Meanwhile the child’s remarks are rare and vague.

The critic’s dominance in my mind is not sustainable or healthy, and so I have practiced listening more closely to the child and ignoring the critic. I think the most impactful way to amplify the child’s voice is to help myself become more curious. The critic is quick to berate me for my perceived lack of curiosity: “Look at all of these amazing Twitter folks who have made careers of their curiosities. You’re not curious. That’ll never be you. Get back to work.”

I don’t know why I don’t feel curious. But I have theories:

Maybe it’s related to my social life. I rarely have interesting conversations nowadays, but those conversations usually include a shared wondering about something unknown.

Maybe it’s related to my lack of purpose. If I had some meaningful pursuits then I would naturally become curious about everything related to them. For now, my purpose in life is to find my purposes in life.

Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, responding to my fear of the unknown. Exploring a curiosity as far as it goes could end up upending my comfortable routines, and part of me is afraid of the uncertainty that would entail.

I would guess these are all contributing factors. To find out, I’ll initiate more conversations. I’ll pay attention to uncomfortable feelings. I’ll continue to poke and prod at little microinterests as I discover them and watch what happens. I’ll do my best to disregard the critic’s complaints and nurture my inner child.